i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
