I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
