True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
