Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
