Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
