Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
