When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
