i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
