my phone needs a breathalizer
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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