so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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