i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
