when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
