Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
