I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Randomize
