I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
