Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
