well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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