Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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