did you get engaged???
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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