Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
