Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
