My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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