Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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