And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
