I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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