i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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