the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
