Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
