Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
