I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
