Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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