I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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