That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
