I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
