just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
