I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I'm passing your future prison.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
