Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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