Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
