no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
