Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
