people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
