**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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