what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
