I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
