If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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