my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
