last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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