dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
