i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
