so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
