Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
